(Scene – the Oval Office. Five judges are milling about.)
Karen
The president and the photographers will be with us soon. I can’t tell you how grateful he is that you traveled all the way from Texas to lend your support to Harriet Miers. So that this meeting doesn’t looked staged, I wonder if you would remove your robes?
Judge Gaunt
Ma’am, I have a problem with that. I dressed in a hurry this morning and…and—
Judge Brown
He’s trying to tell you why he’s called the hanging judge.
(After judges laugh)
Sorry, that’s what we call Texas wisdom, like never squat when you’re wearing spurs.
Judge Gas
I think we should practice our lines. Is there a script like the one used when George had a videoconference with some soldiers in Iraq?
Karen
I don’t think we should bring up that topic in the presence of the president. And don’t mention the aircraft carrier photo-op when he declared the end of the war. Let’s work in chronological order. Who knew Harriet when she was a child?
Judge Peabody
I knew her old man. He said she was a real tomboy. As a tiny girl, she guarded the house like a pit bull. I guarantee you that if she withdraws her name as the nominee to the Supreme Court; she’ll do it to protect the president. .
Judge Gas
In high school, she beat up boys on the tennis courts. The only thing that ever got in her way was the net.
Judge Gaunt
As a lawyer in Texas, she didn’t let being a woman get in her way. She shot right up among the best corporate lawyers. As George says, she’s bright and has a good heart.
Judge Brown
We probably shouldn’t mentioned that since she never got married, she’s had no experience fighting with a husband and raising kids. I don’t like it when some radical conservatives say since she never used the equipment God gave her for making babies, she must be either a practicing lesbian or a slut. They should be more concerned about where she stands on overturning Roe V Wade
Karen
Maybe it might be a good idea to stay away from the topic of abortion. It’s such a touchy topic. Let’s see. Your fellow Texan, Senator Cronyn, has offered high praise for Ms. Miers.
Judge Gaunt
Some of his constituents call him “Senator Cronyism,” instead of Cronyn. When half of Texas flew to Washington to put the feeding tube back in that brain-dead woman, the senator conducted a smear campaign against the nation’s judiciary, calling it “courthouse thuggery.”
Judge Brown
Our good buddy Tom DeLay threatened judges with impeachment and vowed that the time would come to make the judges who resisted Congressional orders to answer for their behavior
Judge Peabody
That was before he was hauled in on charges of campaign fraud charges. He sure had fun tricking the law enforcement officers when they took his mug shot. I get a big belly laugh when he calls tree huggers the Gestapo and wants to repeal the Clean Air Act because there’s no proof that toxins are hazardous to people.
Judge Gaunt
He says a woman can’t take care of a family. It takes a man to provide structure for the family. Excuse me, ma’am, Tom said that, not me.
(Karen goes to one side to answer her cell phone.)
Judge Brown
Nice going. Why don’t you just tell her not to kick a cow chip on a hot day?
Karen
I have some bad news. Harriet has just taken herself out of contention for a seat on the Supreme Court, and the president has accepted her resignation. I’m sorry, but we’ll have to call off this photo-op. I’ll tell the photographers. Thank you for coming. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.
(Exits stage right)
Judge Brown
Well, I’ll be doggone. I never thought George would roll over for those far-right rascals. I can hear that Pat, the one left over from the Nixon scandal, laughing his fool head off.
Judge Peabody
And the radio windbag, who calls himself America’s anchorman, kept on preaching that the president had made a bad choice. He keeps on saying that Bush is the most hated man in Washington and that the Democrats love liars. In his own words, he don’t know didiilly squat. I’m not going to listen to him anymore.
Judge Gas
Somebody should put a halter on that Coulter woman with the long unwashed yeller hair. She said Harriet was the White House cleaning lady.
Judge Brown
The prominent conservatives got their way. Those hypocrites never gave Harriet a fair hearing or an up-and-down vote. Isn’t that the card they usually play to trump the liberals?
Judge Peabody
One churchman was against her for fear she would vote to remove “under God” and to approve single sex marriage.
Judge Gaunt
The president called her “the best qualified candidate.” Too bad he didn’t stick to his guns. Well, I guess there’s nothing to do but head back to Texas. At least, good old Tom skimmed off some laundry money to pay our expenses.
Halloween Trick or Treat: Bush Selects Alito
Bush, in order to save face,
Had to surrender to the far-right base.
Harriet Miers had to go
To make room for Sam Alito,
Who passed the final test
For being only second best.
More Photo-ops
Faithful readers may recall this shot recycled
from May 2005 of me on the way to the Beltway.
Doc Holliday said I looked like a member of the infamous James Gang. Maybe so, but I was not going to Washington, D.C. to rob banks, but to clean up in a different way. Like Hercules, who cleansed the Augean stables, which had piled up the byproduct of 1500 oxen for fifteen years, by changing the direction of rivers, I planned to change the direction of the Potomac River to flush out the corruption in the halls of Congress.
I wish I could take credit for bringing charges against Tom DeLay, majority leader in the House, and for shedding light on the financial manipulations of Bill Frist, the Senate Majority leader, but that detective work belongs to someone else. Gosh, when the Republican leaders of Congress are accused of dishonesty, what about the underlings?
The last week in October was the worst one for the White House. The death toll of young Americans in Iraq went over the two thousand mark. The president caved in on Harriet Miers’ nomination. Ah, dear Harriet, we hardly got to know you. The federal deficit continues to grow by leaps and bounds. Gas prices still too high. The resignation of Cheney’s Scooter. A cloud over Bush’s right-hand man.
So I’m off to the Beltway on my backhoe.
One of my first jobs when I arrive in Washington will be to stop by Bush’s residence and remind the president that he promised “to restore honor and dignity to the White House.” To keep faith with Americans he should fire Karl Rove on the spot. He also promised to unite the country, not to divide it, but couldn’t find the time to consult with Democratic leaders before his selection of another Supreme Court nominee, Samuel Alita, an action that will bring on a fire storm in the Senate, igniting a possible filibuster and nuclear option.
There may be a touch of classic Greek hubris turning the White House black, and it’s more dangerous than bird flu. Remember the gloating after the electron? “ I have capital, political capital to spend, and I’m going to spend it.”
Final Photo-op
(Empty Square box)
This photo is under-developed. It shows the face of Laura Bush when her husband informs her that he’s withdrawing Harriet’s name from the Supreme Court nomination. Later on, when he selects a man, there’s another photo that can’t be shown here.
I have a suggestion for all the wonderful ladies in this country. Check out a Greek comedy by Aristophanes entitled Lysistrata.
Cleonice
Good day, Lysistrata, but pray, why this dark, forbidding face, my dear? Believe me, you won’t look a bit pretty with those black-lowering brows.
Lysistrata
Oh, Cleonice, my heart is on fire. I blush for our sex. Men will have it we are tricky and sly. When the women are summoned to meet for a matter of the greatest importance, they lie in bed instead of coming.
As you probably remember, Lysistrata has a plan to bring the men to their knees and to halt a war. Could it put an end to the killing in Iraq?
“I might not get a lot of work done today, Ma’am,” said Rohan, 14. “My mommy died yesterday in Iraq.”
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