More about Urchins

     Is it safe to come up for air? Has the mania surrounding the publication of the "final" Harry Potter book subsided? When I mentioned to family members that I knew the ending and could be a potential SPOILER. I was threatened with the mark of Cain on my forehead if I revealed the outcome. This dedication to reading good literature is, of course, most pleasing to those of us who have devoted our lives to teaching. Let's hope this desire to read will carry over to more challenging books. Youngsters who have grown up the last decade with the seven books about Harry and his friends are grieving that there is not another Potter book on the way. The sadness may also be caused by the recognition that their childhood has evaporated. As Harry makes a remark about nineteen years later--oops, I almost let the cat out of the bag.

     There's no way I can match J.K. Rowling's going all-out in the last chapters and epilogue, but I might try to cushion the fall. Have you seen the TV commercial of a man stranded on an island with only a monkey as a companion? In one sequence, the main office sends over a plane with a box of supplies. The sly monkey reaches into the box, snatches the cell phone, and makes off with it. How about a story of man who seems to be all alone on a desert island? One day, he discovers the tracks of someone else. The second person turns out to be a savage, but a friendly fellow, willing to help out with any task.

     Not to your liking? Let's try a different approach. A sailor is the only survivor of a shipwreck. He makes it to shore and collapses. When he awakens, he discovers that he is tied down and surrounded by menacing pygmies, who may possess cannibalistic tendencies.

     If you like either of these stories, you don't have to wait a year to get your hands on the book. Both of them have already been written and published centuries ago, as you've probably guessed. The first one is "Robinson Crusoe" by Daniel Defoe. The savage is his man Friday. The second plot is drawn from Jonathan Swift's "Gulliver's Travels," an entertaining children's book concealing a biting political satire. Although somewhat dusty, the books should be available at any public library, and you won't have to go on a waiting list. If you read them years ago, you might find pleasure in rediscovering old friends.

                                 Help! Mom!

     How about some right-wing propaganda disguised as a children's picture book? Help! Mom! There are LIBERALS under my Bed has Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, and the Democratic donkey peeking out from under a boy's bed. The author, Katharine DeBrecht, said she felt compelled to write the book because "children are inundated with liberal books."  Her critics have responded that it is a crude attempt to brainwash children and turn them into toddler conservatives. The website Democratic Underground named the author to its "Top 10 Conservative Idiots" list.

                                       

     The comic book illustrations are used in conjunction with a terrifying tale (or dream?) of how two Christian boys set up a lemonade stand only to have Liberals swoop down on them, empty their piggy bank of most of their change as "taxes," force the boys to sell a stalk of broccoli with every glass of lemonade, and then order them to take down the picture of Jesus. Hiding her true identity behind a pseudonym, the author, a graduate of St. Mary's College in Notre Dame, devotes at least five monotonous pages to smearing Hillary, her obscene obsession currently matched by right-wing windbags nuzzling around Hillary's cleavage.

    To demonstrate her patriotism, she had the book published in Mexico. For two years it languished on the shelves. Then Dungee Rush Limbaugh, the fuhrer of the slime-by media, got into the act. He gushed about the book on his radio show, and his dittohead-listeners rushed out, like stupid[ lemmings to the sea, and bought the so-called children's book, causing it to soar up the charts to the point where it trailed only the latest edition of the Harry Potter book. After three failed marriages, Rush should admit he knows nothing about impregnating women and raising children. As the corporate house organ, Rush should stick with his misbegotten attacks on liberals and  environmentalists.

                           Help! Daddy!

     Can I stand by and let this travesty go unanswered? Of course not. Find me an illustrator and we'll go to work on Help! Daddy! There are CONSERVATIVES IN MY cLOSET!

     On the cover of the book will be Little Willie in his little bed, in his little room, and across from him three characters are peering around the closet door with malice toward all. On the lower level is the face of the Prexy, who is saying: "The bogey al-Qaida will get you, if you don't watch out!" A chocolate-colored face with cute little buck teeth is wearing a hat in the form of a mushroom cloud and going:" Boom! Boom! Doom's Day is coming." The third threatening head is snarling:  "I spy you with no warrant. Get your butt down to the enlistment office. You're going to enter the last throes of the war in Iraq, where there is significant progress."

     Little Willie's daddy hurried into the room to see why his son was calling out for help. "Are you having a bad dream, Willie?"

     "Look in my closet. There are bogymen hiding there."

     The father went to the closet and opened the door. "There's no one here, son." He sniffed. "Have you been playing with matches?" After Little Willie said no, the father sniffed some more and said, "It smells of sulfur, just like the gun powder when I was fighting the war in Vietnam."

      "The big man said that I'd have to go to war or he would torture me. Will he shoot me in the head? What's wrong with him?"

     "He's mad because he lost his buddy Rummy and his Scooter. It was a terrible mistake to go to war with too much arrogance and not enough planning. Don't worry, son. You're too young. If there's still a war when you're old enough, you can make up your own mind. You may also make up your own mind about what political party you want to support. It's wrong for parents to brainwash their children. Now you must get some sleep so that you'll be ready to deliver your papers in the morning."

     The next series of scenes will be Little Willie pulling his coaster wagon of papers and running into Conservatives along the way. The first one is Foxy Snowjob. He wants to know what paper Little Willie is delivering, and he snorts derisively when he learns it is the NY Times. "You should be delivering a good paper like The Weekly Standard."

     Next Willie looks through a window glass into the chamber of the Senate whose members are questioning Albatross Gonzo. He is fidgeting and squirming around like a Mexican jumping bean. He answers all questions with "I don't know."  The Prexy. who now finds that his Attorney General is hanging around his neck like an albatross, goes on defending his friend. They have been together since the days when the Prexy was the governor and was summoned for jury duty. Gonzo went in the back door of the courthouse and got the governor excused so that his arrests would not be recorded in Texas. Perhaps there are other dirty little secrets known to Gonzo, like the one that Dan Rather was right about the Prexy's military record. It seems that Gonzo has learned from his master that they are above the law of the land.

     In a recent speech, the Presxy said that when his term is up, he will retire to his ranch and be able to look in a mirror and say, "I made decisions based on principles, not party politics."

     I hope for his sake that when he looks in the mirror, he will not be haunted by the faces of thousands of our wonderful young sons and daughters who died in an unnecessary war.

     Little Willie continues to deliver papers. The next person he meets is Karl Rove. Until I find an illustrator, I don't want to give away the whole plot. In the case of Rove, however, I can tell you that his dance demonstration is entitled:  "The Day Terpsichore Died."

     The climax is Willie's meeting with Cheney, who is recovering from an operation to replace the batteries that might have been dripping acid into his heart.

     So if you know of someone who would like to work with me on "Help! Daddy! There are CONSERVATIVES in my Closet," please let me know.