ON THE BENCH – 10/31/08
You probably won’t believe this, but a former student dedicated a bench in my honor. The inscription on the bench reads:
YOU TAUGHT. WE LISTNED.
THAT MADE THE DIFFERENCE.
Some wag said that it should read:
You blew hot air. We inhaled.
Now see what you’ve done?
Here’s a shot of me on my bench:
Wait one New York second. That’s not me. I remember him from the time when we were engaged in the Cold War with Communist Russia. Supposedly, Bernard Baruch (1870-1965) was the wisest man in America. He would ensconce himself on his favorite park bench, and presidents and other national leaders would sit next to him to soak up his wisdom. He would say things like:
“Let us not be deceived—we are in the midst of a cold war.”
Or, “Let us not deceive ourselves—we must elect world peace or world destruction.”
Another favorite topic was the stock market, having made a fortune on Wall Street.
“The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible.”
Or, “When good news of the market hits the front page of the New York Times, sell.
Or, if a former or present US president asks for advice, roll up your Wall Street Journal and strike him aside of the head with it.” (No, I just made that up to practice for my turn on the bench. Sorry.)
Enough of reminders about the Second Great Depression and the fiscal side betting of the irresponsible. And thanks be that the elections are almost over. Upon our worldly philosopher’s 90th birthday, a commemorative park bench was dedicated Nea the White House. Mr. Baruch once said:
“Vote for the man who promises least—he’ll be the least disappointing.”
“Two things are bad for the heart—running up stairs and running down people.”
“Parasites—Organization historians who steal from their predecessors.”
Rest in peace, Park Bench Advisor. Allow me to take over.
There were, of course, other famous personages who held forth in public. Socrates was condemned to death for misleading his admirers. In the presence of his followers, he calmly took the cup of hemlock, bid them a fond farewell, and drank the poison. Another was Jesus, who accepted his death by crucifixion without any violent protest. The only time he lost his temper took place in a temple when he threw the moneychangers out the front doors, not one of them having any concept of how much money $700 billion was.
“Why spend $150,000 on a new wardrobe for Sarah the GOP VP nominee when she can buy a cloth coat at Pat Nixon’s auction?”
“Listen here, you makers of baby BOTTLES—eliminate the BPA. I don’t want my brand-new Great Grandchild, Selah Elizabeth Jane Witt, hurt.”
(Fairlie knit the little pumpkin hat)
“Nature has a way of protecting the innocent. That’s why babies are cute. Ask any grandmother.”
“You are lucky to be out of range of my voice. I’ve been working on this blog the last two days in the middle of a snowstorm—in OCTOBER. When the power goes off, I lose what I’ve been writing.”
“Are you getting a bit tired of “Ask Joe the Plumber”? Have the office seekers forgotten that a Straight Flush beats a Full-house?”
“What happened to Bush’s veto pen? Did it go limp before the big bailout? He once said that when he looked into Putin’s eyes, he saw a soul. Actually, he saw a song: ‘I’ve Got Georgia on My Mind.’”
“Darn it, the lights flickered again. I’m getting out of here. Keep in mind what Mr. Baruch also said: ‘If the only tool you have is a hammer, you’ll see nails where ever you look.’”
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